Sometimes, to truly recognize the good, you must also recognize the bad. By recognizing the bad, we have acknowledged situations we might not have been reading for. Relationships (in all forms) provide us, or should at least, a sense of security and belonging. Romantic relationships entirely should provide that. They should be cherished and filled with love and trust. A friend described her newest relationship as no longer being in a “glass bubble”. She started by saying, we think Move A or Move B will break us. Nothing will break with trust and communication. In this blog, I’d like to outline the five most toxic words to a relationship.
1. Allowed. I hear this one the most. I have so many friends in relationships that use this word. Hell, I was one of those girls, too. “He’s not allowed to talk to her.” “He’s not allowed to have a Facebook.” “He cannot go to that bar without me.” “He’s not allowed to travel without me.” “He’s not allowed to be XYZ”. Ladies, cause right now, I’m speaking to you (but it goes both ways); you are not his mother. You do not own him/her. This is a grown man (or woman). Let them make their own decisions. Let them chose you and your relationship. I understand things that won’t benefit you both, things that cause turmoil and things that are inappropriate in a relationship. But, start asking yourself, why does it bother me when he does these things? What can we do as a partnership to put my fears at ease?
2. ALWAYS. This one could get tricky. They could ALWAYS love you. Yes, you’re right. However, I’m using this word in the thought of an argument. “You always forget to call me” “You always are on your phone.” “You are always yelling at me.” This allows the upper hand in your relationship. This does not talk about something being equal and quite frankly, always means there has never been one time that it’s gone right in that statement. Start asking yourself, what frustrates me about their actions? When was there a time they did not do this? Why did they forget, not do, not see, etc. what I needed? This is where, the therapist sitting across from you, writing in their notebook, asking you how you feel, would tell you to lead your statement with “I feel like you forget to call me back, a lot.”
3. BELONG A lot of these come from using ownership to be above someone. I find that the word “belong” never has a positive ring to it. “This money belongs to me.” A lot of relationships focus on what’s mine is mine, yours is yours and less about building
“ours”. This does not always have to be about money although that plays a significant role in all relationships. “Money changes hands.” And back to quick ownership; no one “belongs to you”. Women do not become ‘owned’ by the man they marry. Men do not belong to women just because you made a commitment to each other. Freedom is a beautiful thing. It should be communicated and respected. Start asking yourself, why do I hoard my money? Why do I make life about what is mine and what is theirs? What type of commitments am I looking for? How much of my life am I willing to blend?
4. STOLEN. This one isn’t necessarily directed to talking to your spouse/significant other as much as it is talking to friends/family. No one can steal your man. Again, you do not own a person. Trying to create “ownership” shows jealousy and insecurity. Repeat after me; NO ONE CAN STEAL YOUR MAN. We have this misconception often, especially when trust lacks in relationships, that someone can “steal” or “take” what’s yours. Your partner should choose you. If they are meant for you, if you two put energy into your relationship, if you keep open communication, no one can “steal” them. No one can steal them even if you don’t do these things. This is where we always want to “blame” the other woman. In the end, it is your partner’s choice to leave. It does not make you “stupid”. It makes them unfaithful. If they chose to leave, if you feel they were “stolen”, let them go. Start asking yourself, why do other women make you feel insecure? Why do the likes on Instagram matter to you? Is your partner fulfilling your needs or feeding your insecurities?
5. Deserve You do not DESERVE anything. You believe that you are capable. You do not deserve just because you did something. We should stop thinking just because we do A, someone must do B. If you saw the movie Wonder Woman this year you’d know the famous quote “it’s not about what they deserve, it’s about what you believe.” Believe in healthy love. Believe in putting good in the world. Believe in paying it forward. Believe in your partner. WE don’t deserve to be in love just because we want a relationship. We believe that love exists. We don’t deserve a good man just because we were cheated on. We believe that lessons were learned, we’ve grown and now a better partner will be sent to us. You don’t deserve flowers just because of an argument. We believe in repairing relationships and communicating. Start asking yourself; what do you believe in? What are your morals, your values
and your deal beakers? What are you willing to work towards?