To the man I almost married,
Thank you. Thank you for not being enough. Thank you for showing your true colors so early on that I never made it down that aisle. Thank you for loving me as much as you could. But, honestly, love wasn't enough. See, the amount of love you could give me was still only half of what I deserved. Thank you for those unhealthy fights and toxic arguments. Thank you for bringing out the rage in me. Thank you for revealing all my demons to show that I was equally to blame. Thank you for being immature, for loving drugs more than me, for fucking bills up, for all the terrible things we both did to ourselves and each other.
Because of you I had to grow up. Because of you I had to love myself more. Because of you I discovered my worth. I became stronger. I will never again struggle through toxic actions. I will never be in another relationship that leads to sleepless nights due to non-trust. I will never apologize for my intuition and gut feeling. I will never again question my worth. I will not spend another moment believing that I am less than. I will never be in a relationship with hierarchy with something to prove. I will never have a boyfriend ever again. From this moment forward, I will only have a partner. I will only be with someone who is my equal.
Because of you I will know that although I can’t control the situation, I can control my own actions. Because of you I will spend less time worrying about what that random girl has to say. I will no longer day dream or fantasize what situations could become but focus only what they are.
Even though you told me you realized I was the greatest thing that came into your life, thank you for allowing me to still walk away. And when you came back months later, to remind me how strong I am, how you wish the best for me, I am thankful for how right you were. I am amazing. Thank you for letting go, for losing control, for not fighting to keep me. Because of that another man will be in place of you down that aisle.
If you ever couldn’t answer “are you happy?” when someone asks. If you ever find yourself “controlling”, saying “he’s not allowed” or “I’m not allowed”, ask yourself, what are you trying to control? What aspect of your relationship do you not trust? Dig deep into yourself. Remind yourself that without trust there’s nothing to a relationship. Put faith in yourself and your intuition to always guide you to the best space. Remember your worth and walk away.